When You Feel Like You're Intruding

Hi Patti,

I have several good friends who are always the ones that initiate our interactions. I never make an effort. It isn't that I don't want to, it's just that I'm worried about intruding so I just let them do it. Then they sometimes don't include me in some of their plans and I feel awful. It makes me feel like a less important friend, even though I know it's mostly my own fault. I don't know how to get out of my head on this.

Sometimes Unwanted

Dear Sometimes,

Life is habit-forming. So, if you want different results, you need to form different habits. Start with rejecting the idea that you're "intruding." If they're initiating interactions, communications, events with you and treating you as a friend, then you're not intruding. If you bring something positive to the group, you're never intruding. It's not like you're scaling a wall, crossing a moat or breaking down a door to get to them. The barrier is really yours, and it consists simply of your mindset.

Realize that "intruding" is just a negative term that can actually be better described as "CONNECTING." That's a much more positive word! So make it a goal of yours to CONNECT more often. In order to be a valid goal you need to put a number on it. Make it a point to "reach out" and "connect" with these friends several times a week. Connecting can mean: making a phone call, sending a brief 'check in' text, inviting someone to something, meeting them in person, etc. Make yourself CONNECT at least three times per week.

Form better habits and obtain better results.

Help! Going Places SOLO

Dear Patti,

I went by myself to a outdoor festival because I didn’t really have anybody to go with. There were lots of things going on, some live music, displays, art, merchandise etc, and groups of people wandering around. I was excited to be there, but the bad part is I felt like some people were laughing at me for being by myself, and just the looks of pity made me feel bad. So after the event I was upset and wondered if I should’ve even bothered going. I didn’t make any friends there, and just felt awkward and out of place from the way people were looking at me.

FrostedFlake

Dear Frosted,

First of all, give yourself a whole lot of credit for getting out of your comfort zone and going someplace solo. That, my friend, isn’t easy for ANYBODY. So you get props and Courage Credits for that! More credit than the people hanging out in groups staring at you. How much courage does THAT take? If they had a social bone in their bodies they should’ve invited you to come hang out with them!

If there was any discomfort on your part it may have been caused by the vibe you were giving off, if you felt weird about being there alone. Learn to FLIP that perspective. Instead of thinking “I’m pathetically ALONE,” start telling yourself “I’m fiercely INDEPENDENT! But, also willing to hang out…” See how that works? Give yourself the best possible interpretation and GO with that FLOW!

If you’re going solo to a public event it’s helpful to go in there with an extra dose of confidence and swagger. Friendly and approachable swagger, mind you, not the kind that is arrogant. I know that can seem hard to do if that isn’t how you’re currently built. But you can actually CHANGE all that with practice.

The key is to take up MORE space than you normally do, both physically and mentally, and then BECOME the person who engages. How do you start up a conversation with strangers? Simple as this: Put yourself in their vicinity. Not exactly conversational distance, but close to that. Definitely close enough so they can hear you. Then you DROP A COMMENT with some friendly enthusiasm. Make eye contact and smile as you do it.

They may or may not respond to it, but if people like your friendly vibe they often WILL. And if they don’t, then it’s no harm, no foul. Move on to a different person or group.

Drop your enthusiastic comment about ANYTHING that is going on, the simpler the better: food, weather, entertainment, crowd noise, that cute dog over there, cool merchandise – ANY of these things are like an “Invitation to Engage.” You may get a short conversation out of it, or a long one, but it gives people the opportunity to start relating to you if they want to.

Start practicing that and your confidence will grow. And hey, you don’t need an “official event” to start doing this. You could be: on a bus, at the gym, waiting in line for fast food, really any public place. The more often you do this, the better you’ll get at it. Your comfort zone will gradually ENLARGE to encompass the whole dang planet!

Keep in mind, you ALREADY had the guts to forge out there solo. So you’ve got some spine in you. REMEMBER THAT. And work on growing it. Good luck, I can’t wait for you to try this again!