Boo! Ghosted After A Few Dates

Dear Patti,

At this point I feel like I'm just done with dating. I can't believe how regularly I get ghosted by people I've been on a date, or a few dates with. I feel like it's a stupid game, and I'm just done playing it. I'm sick of being a pawn that people can just throw aside whenever they feel like it. Change my mind!

Done With Dating

Dear Done,

I'm going to peek from behind a curtain as I say this, but it sounds to me like the dating process is working as intended. And believe me, you have my sympathy for the failed dates. We've all been there!

There's another way to look at this. When you really think about is, MOST romantic relationships fail. In fact, pretty much they ALL do, except for the ones in which you end up with that cherished long-term partner. One of the purposes of dating is going out with different people until you find one that REALLY makes sense for you.

Yeah, a lot of people bail early in the process, but isn't that sort of HELPFUL? That way they're not wasting your time. Who knows why -- they may be looking for something more superficial while you're looking for something meaningful. Or, any number of reasons. I think them pulling a disappearing act sooner rather than later is a good thing because it points to a basic incompatibility.

As to the ghosting part, I get how hurtful that feels, especially if you've made a connection over several dates and it feels like you're making progress. At the same time, if the other person isn't quite so sure, or isn't feeling it, or just changed their mind, well, those are the facts on the ground.

Sure, you could argue that having a sit-down 'good-bye' conversation might make you feel better, but, would it really? Do you want a laundry list of reasons why they aren't all that into you? And at that point do you accept it? Make notes? Argue back? Tell them that THEY aren't 'all that' either?

It just sounds like a recipe for an uncomfortable conversation that doesn't really do either one of you a lot of good.

I mean sure, if it's a longer-term relationship then obviously you want the person to be straight with you instead of ghosting you. But for shorter-term relationships I think a quick fade-out is the LESS painful way to go.

Hang in there, it gets better!

Stuck On "Boring?"

I've been wanting to have better conversations with people, so I've made a big effort to ask people questions at events and parties etc. For some reason though these conversations end up feeling more like interviews. I can even feel the other person losing interest in the conversation, and I don't know how to fix it. What would be the best way to have a good conversation without having it stagnating or feeling like an interview?

Stuck On Boring

Dear Stuck,

Giving myself bonus points for not turning your name into an acronym! That would be a heckuva conversation-starter.

Yes asking people questions is important, but what's MORE important is being interested in the answers! Sometimes people use "question-asking" as a crutch, because it gets the other person talking and gives the appearance that a great conversation is going on. But if you don't follow up on the answers, or aren't particularly interested in those answers, then the convo can quickly devolve into a scenario where you sound like the F.B.I. building a case.

Not good! So here's a hot tip that you can take to the bank: great conversations are more about positive emotion than they are about the specifics of what's being shared. In other words, if your attitude is neutral, your tone is more on the side of a monotone and your reactions are muted, then of COURSE you won't be able to get a fun and free-flowing conversation going. It could be Alexa and Siri having this conversation in their robotic voices. It's important to CARE about the other person and CARE about the answers! (Which Alexa and Siri do NOT do, I hate to break to everyone.)

So you want to stay away from yes/no type questions, and instead follow up with more open ended stuff like, "How did you get INTO that?" or "What do you LOVE about it?" or "Did you meet anyone INTERESTING doing that?" or even just a comment, "WOW that sounds ROUGH. How did you HANDLE it?" Notice by adding emphasis to certain words I'm injecting some emotion, some interest into the interaction.

On your end you need to have something to share too. So pick things from your life that have a human interest element. Things that are: unusual, interesting, funny, heart-warming, frustrating, relatable, informative, weird, etc. Stuff like that happens every week, you just don't normally notice. So start NOTICING these things and write them down in your phone or on a pad. Review the items before you go out so you always have a few tidbits to share.

And remember, no matter where the conversation leads try to FLOW with it and enjoy what the person's saying in an interested and playful manner. Great convesations are much more about VIBE than they are about specifics. When it comes to social conversations, feelings trump facts every time!

He's the "Unfunny Friend"

I know I'm not the most hilarious person on the planet, but one of my friends recently told me I'm the least funny person he's ever met! He said this like he was joking, but I know he really wasn't. I laughed at the time, but it really hurt. I see other people toss off a funny one-liner to lighten the mood, or they're the center of attention at every party. That's never me. Instead I'm the one who tends to be more emotional or sentimental. Or I'm just laughing at jokes made by other people. Even the dumbest jokes will make me laugh! Once in a while I'll manage to say something funny, but it's extremely rare. Anyway this whole situation makes me just feel socially inadequate. Do you have any suggestions?

Can't Even Think of a Funny Name To Sign This Letter

Dear No Can Do,

Groups of people need friends of all types! So if there's a jokester or two in the group, that's great. But someone who is emotional/sentimental? PRICELESS! Every group (and person) needs a friend who can bring that. Someone to laugh at even the silly jokes? Perfect! That keeps the mood rolling and is a great gift to everyone else. Please APPRECIATE what you do bring to a group.

It's the rare person who captivates a crowd with entertainment. None of us needs to aspire to that. Work on just bringing a playful "fun" outlook to whatever is going on. Be ready to laugh, ready to take things not utterly seriously. But don't feel pressured to be the person with the best jokes. It's a tough role, and most of us aren't meant for it. Being a great audience is just as valuable as being a great entertainer.

Have a smile on your face, laughter in your tone, and bring a positive vibe. That sort of person is welcome anywhere.