I've been wanting to have better conversations with people, so I've made a big effort to ask people questions at events and parties etc. For some reason though these conversations end up feeling more like interviews. I can even feel the other person losing interest in the conversation, and I don't know how to fix it. What would be the best way to have a good conversation without having it stagnating or feeling like an interview?
Stuck On Boring
Dear Stuck,
Giving myself bonus points for not turning your name into an acronym! That would be a heckuva conversation-starter.
Yes asking people questions is important, but what's MORE important is being interested in the answers! Sometimes people use "question-asking" as a crutch, because it gets the other person talking and gives the appearance that a great conversation is going on. But if you don't follow up on the answers, or aren't particularly interested in those answers, then the convo can quickly devolve into a scenario where you sound like the F.B.I. building a case.
Not good! So here's a hot tip that you can take to the bank: great conversations are more about positive emotion than they are about the specifics of what's being shared. In other words, if your attitude is neutral, your tone is more on the side of a monotone and your reactions are muted, then of COURSE you won't be able to get a fun and free-flowing conversation going. It could be Alexa and Siri having this conversation in their robotic voices. It's important to CARE about the other person and CARE about the answers! (Which Alexa and Siri do NOT do, I hate to break to everyone.)
So you want to stay away from yes/no type questions, and instead follow up with more open ended stuff like, "How did you get INTO that?" or "What do you LOVE about it?" or "Did you meet anyone INTERESTING doing that?" or even just a comment, "WOW that sounds ROUGH. How did you HANDLE it?" Notice by adding emphasis to certain words I'm injecting some emotion, some interest into the interaction.
On your end you need to have something to share too. So pick things from your life that have a human interest element. Things that are: unusual, interesting, funny, heart-warming, frustrating, relatable, informative, weird, etc. Stuff like that happens every week, you just don't normally notice. So start NOTICING these things and write them down in your phone or on a pad. Review the items before you go out so you always have a few tidbits to share.
And remember, no matter where the conversation leads try to FLOW with it and enjoy what the person's saying in an interested and playful manner. Great convesations are much more about VIBE than they are about specifics. When it comes to social conversations, feelings trump facts every time!
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