He Tells Her To 'Come Up With Alternatives'

Dear Patti,

My boyfriend and I live together, and we've been having a ridiculous argument. He does certain repetitive things. Sometimes I'll ask him to stop doing something if it's annoying me. Instead of stopping, he tells me I need to come up with an alternative for him to do instead. Otherwise he'll keep on doing it. I think this is petty and defensive. I basically told him there's nothing wrong with me asking him to stop doing something without having some pre-made solution for what he should do instead. Can you help before I lose my mind?

Am I The Crazy One?

Dear Not Crazy,

See, I gave the answer away already! You're definitely NOT the crazy one. It should be enough for you to say, "Would you mind not doing X? It's getting on my nerves."

But if he INSISTS on an alternative, then go with: "Okay, how about doing the dishes and mopping the floor instead?"

I mean, really. I'd keep giving him household chores until he begged for mercy.

Bullied For My Brains

Patti:

I've been experiencing bullying, both when I was in highschool, and now even as a college student! People perceived me as that stereotyped know-it-all because I was always able to answer the teacher's questions in every class, and no one else was bothering to do that. So the teachers loved me. Unfortunately my classmates hated me. I'm surprised that's carried over to college, simply because college is about ideas, and we should be happy to share them. For whatever reason people just seem to get a kick out of picking on me, making noises when I give an answer in class, or doing catcalls or weird faces when I'm out on campus. It's getting tiresome! Do you have any answers besides dumbing myself down for the proletariat?

Feeling Mensa Mensa

Dear Mensa,

First, let me tell you I think you're making a cool joke with your sign-off name. That's a play on the slang Italian term "menzamenz" which kinda sorta means "eh, half and half" or "okay, not great" when someone asks how you are. So I translate that to mean you're in a bad situation, know you need to fix it (and probably what needs to be done about it), but you're not too excited about what my answer is going to be. Right? Heh.

Let me start off by saying I'm sorry this is happening to you. What the other students are doing to you is wrong, bullying is NEVER a good thing. At the same time, it would be worth examining your own behavior and seeing a need to recalibrate your approach. I am NOT blaming you for the bullying! That isn't your fault.

However, since this situation has cropped up both in high school and in college, and you're connecting it to answering a lot of questions and coming off as a know-it-all, maybe it's time to tone down that aspect of yourself. Mind you I said "tone down," NOT "play dumb."

Of course it's tempting to share what we know. (My guilty pleasure is safety tips!) But succeeding socially means sharing fun and positive emotions, while downplaying facts and knowledge. Even if you're sharing some great information, if people get the impression you're reveling in imparting superior knowledge, they'll be annoyed. They'll think you're trying to appear smarter than they are. And even if you ARE smarter, making that obvious will bug them. That doesn't mean you have to avoid sharing ideas, just that you should come off more as a "regular guy" when you do it. Using humor and positive emotion helps.

It's really enough in life to KNOW you're an intelligent person without necessarily having to appear that way to others. Believe me, if you're smart, people are aware of it. They'll like you all the more if you compliment them on what THEY are good at, or if you show appreciation for their relevant comments. Follow up on what they've said and ask for more input. Think of it this way, if the smart guy (you) is complimenting or appreciating their relevant remark, that's good for everybody -- they feel appreciated, and YOU feel your compliment is valued because you're the smart dude who would know!

None of that detracts from your intelligence. Instead it will add greatly to your social appeal. Try to use your brains more as a "secret weapon" that you bring out and unleash once in a while, not all the time. Allow others to shine, and help them to do so, and more people will like you. And ultimately they will respect your intelligence instead of giving you a hard time about it.

Introvert Starting A New Job

Dear Patti,

I'm starting a new job soon, and I'm worried about my introverted tendencies holding me back. What's the best way to get established and not mess things up socially? It seems like the first few days are critical because it determines how people view you going forward. I want to attempt to be likeable, even though my natural tendency is to not say too much. I need some kind of strategy to get through this. Help!

Introvert Here

Dear Introvert,

This seems like a great opportunity to level up your social persona! Since this is a workplace setting, I'm going to give you some ideas in the form of a workday To Do List:

1) Greet people, don't wait to be greeted. Use a bit of energy in your tone.

2) Light up a big smile when you make eye contact.

3) The first time you see someone familiar that day, give a friendly greeting such as "Good MORNING!" or "How ARE you?" or "Hey, how's it GOING?" That's a touch of friendliness, but keep moving unless you actually want a quick small talk conversation.

4) Once you know their names, use them. Once or twice a day is plenty, don't overdo it.

5) Pick out someone who looks like they might make a good workplace buddy and invite them to lunch. Explain you could use their help getting to know "how things work around here." Say that with a big friendly smile. Bonus: You may actually get to find out "how things work" around there.

6) After a few weeks or a month, bring in something to share. Doughnuts, pastries, veggie tray, whatever. (Maybe ask the person from #5 what people like.)

7) Use a friendly tone of voice whenever someone engages you. That means not a monotone, something that pushes a little warmth out there.

8) If people offer some information about their lives, try to remember it, or make a few notes somewhere, and ask about it when you have another chance to talk. Drop a bit of info about yourself, too, although obviously you get to decide how much you're comfortable with. That's how office friendships are formed.

9) If there are any office events, try to go and connect. Whether it be a workplace lunch, after hours social, party or whatever.

10) Push yourself to have a small talk conversation each day. You can decide how big your work orbit should be, but I'd try to spread it around and make sure you get at least one in DAILY. Consider it a Social Exercise Routine.

Good luck on the new job!