Dear Patti,
I went by myself to a outdoor festival because I didn’t really have anybody to go with. There were lots of things going on, some live music, displays, art, merchandise etc, and groups of people wandering around. I was excited to be there, but the bad part is I felt like some people were laughing at me for being by myself, and just the looks of pity made me feel bad. So after the event I was upset and wondered if I should’ve even bothered going. I didn’t make any friends there, and just felt awkward and out of place from the way people were looking at me.
FrostedFlake
Dear Frosted,
First of all, give yourself a whole lot of credit for getting out of your comfort zone and going someplace solo. That, my friend, isn’t easy for ANYBODY. So you get props and Courage Credits for that! More credit than the people hanging out in groups staring at you. How much courage does THAT take? If they had a social bone in their bodies they should’ve invited you to come hang out with them!
If there was any discomfort on your part it may have been caused by the vibe you were giving off, if you felt weird about being there alone. Learn to FLIP that perspective. Instead of thinking “I’m pathetically ALONE,” start telling yourself “I’m fiercely INDEPENDENT! But, also willing to hang out…” See how that works? Give yourself the best possible interpretation and GO with that FLOW!
If you’re going solo to a public event it’s helpful to go in there with an extra dose of confidence and swagger. Friendly and approachable swagger, mind you, not the kind that is arrogant. I know that can seem hard to do if that isn’t how you’re currently built. But you can actually CHANGE all that with practice.
The key is to take up MORE space than you normally do, both physically and mentally, and then BECOME the person who engages. How do you start up a conversation with strangers? Simple as this: Put yourself in their vicinity. Not exactly conversational distance, but close to that. Definitely close enough so they can hear you. Then you DROP A COMMENT with some friendly enthusiasm. Make eye contact and smile as you do it.
They may or may not respond to it, but if people like your friendly vibe they often WILL. And if they don’t, then it’s no harm, no foul. Move on to a different person or group.
Drop your enthusiastic comment about ANYTHING that is going on, the simpler the better: food, weather, entertainment, crowd noise, that cute dog over there, cool merchandise – ANY of these things are like an “Invitation to Engage.” You may get a short conversation out of it, or a long one, but it gives people the opportunity to start relating to you if they want to.
Start practicing that and your confidence will grow. And hey, you don’t need an “official event” to start doing this. You could be: on a bus, at the gym, waiting in line for fast food, really any public place. The more often you do this, the better you’ll get at it. Your comfort zone will gradually ENLARGE to encompass the whole dang planet!
Keep in mind, you ALREADY had the guts to forge out there solo. So you’ve got some spine in you. REMEMBER THAT. And work on growing it. Good luck, I can’t wait for you to try this again!
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