Dear Patti,
Due to my nature I'm always the friend who is there for people and I remember to buy gifts for occasions, and sometimes "just because." I'm beginning to feel like I'm only valued as "the useful friend." I'm thoughtful and I like being a gift giver. It seems like I'm always celebrating the people in my life, but when it's my turn to be celebrated somehow everyone disappears. Of course my friends are happy to accept things, but I'm starting to wonder if they value the gifts more than they value me.
Only The Gift Giver
Dear Gift Giver,
Celebrating and gift giving are best done in the context of a mutual, equal relationship. Friendship itself should be based on that! If "offering things" to others is your main friendship quality, then I have to question the sense of balance.
People will generally accept the good stuff you throw at them, whether it be gifts, compliments, celebrations, money, offers of baby-sitting their kids or their pets...you name it. They'll accept. And the people who are TRUE friends of yours will reciprocate, maybe not in exactly the same way, but they'll make sure to shower you with SOMETHING. If they don't, then they're not true friends.
So, I'd back off. Way, WAY off. Start re-evaluating where these friendships stand. Maybe some are more balanced than you think. Giving doesn't always take the same form: there's time, concern, a listening ear, a favor, a gift, a thoughtful card, a timely text, some great advice, a favorite food...you get the idea. People give in different ways. But they DO give!
For the friendships that seem extremely unbalanced, where you're doing most of the giving and they're doing most of the taking, well, you don't want to settle for an epitaph on your gravestone that reads: "NOW Who Are We Going To Get To Celebrate Us, Give Us Gifts & Listen To Our Long Tales of Woe?"
It's time to consider some options:
1. Have a cleansing conversation to give them a chance to up their friendship game.
2. Cut back the amount of your giving to something more in line with what you're getting.
3. De-emphasize the friendship, demoting it to 'someone I see once in a while.'
The best gift you can give to yourself is to seek out balanced friendships so you're valued for who you ARE, not what you can give.
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