Introvert Starting A New Job

Dear Patti,

I'm starting a new job soon, and I'm worried about my introverted tendencies holding me back. What's the best way to get established and not mess things up socially? It seems like the first few days are critical because it determines how people view you going forward. I want to attempt to be likeable, even though my natural tendency is to not say too much. I need some kind of strategy to get through this. Help!

Introvert Here

Dear Introvert,

This seems like a great opportunity to level up your social persona! Since this is a workplace setting, I'm going to give you some ideas in the form of a workday To Do List:

1) Greet people, don't wait to be greeted. Use a bit of energy in your tone.

2) Light up a big smile when you make eye contact.

3) The first time you see someone familiar that day, give a friendly greeting such as "Good MORNING!" or "How ARE you?" or "Hey, how's it GOING?" That's a touch of friendliness, but keep moving unless you actually want a quick small talk conversation.

4) Once you know their names, use them. Once or twice a day is plenty, don't overdo it.

5) Pick out someone who looks like they might make a good workplace buddy and invite them to lunch. Explain you could use their help getting to know "how things work around here." Say that with a big friendly smile. Bonus: You may actually get to find out "how things work" around there.

6) After a few weeks or a month, bring in something to share. Doughnuts, pastries, veggie tray, whatever. (Maybe ask the person from #5 what people like.)

7) Use a friendly tone of voice whenever someone engages you. That means not a monotone, something that pushes a little warmth out there.

8) If people offer some information about their lives, try to remember it, or make a few notes somewhere, and ask about it when you have another chance to talk. Drop a bit of info about yourself, too, although obviously you get to decide how much you're comfortable with. That's how office friendships are formed.

9) If there are any office events, try to go and connect. Whether it be a workplace lunch, after hours social, party or whatever.

10) Push yourself to have a small talk conversation each day. You can decide how big your work orbit should be, but I'd try to spread it around and make sure you get at least one in DAILY. Consider it a Social Exercise Routine.

Good luck on the new job!

I'm The "Useful" Friend...

Dear Patti,

Due to my nature I'm always the friend who is there for people and I remember to buy gifts for occasions, and sometimes "just because." I'm beginning to feel like I'm only valued as "the useful friend." I'm thoughtful and I like being a gift giver. It seems like I'm always celebrating the people in my life, but when it's my turn to be celebrated somehow everyone disappears. Of course my friends are happy to accept things, but I'm starting to wonder if they value the gifts more than they value me.

Only The Gift Giver

Dear Gift Giver,

Celebrating and gift giving are best done in the context of a mutual, equal relationship. Friendship itself should be based on that! If "offering things" to others is your main friendship quality, then I have to question the sense of balance.

People will generally accept the good stuff you throw at them, whether it be gifts, compliments, celebrations, money, offers of baby-sitting their kids or their pets...you name it. They'll accept. And the people who are TRUE friends of yours will reciprocate, maybe not in exactly the same way, but they'll make sure to shower you with SOMETHING. If they don't, then they're not true friends.

So, I'd back off. Way, WAY off. Start re-evaluating where these friendships stand. Maybe some are more balanced than you think. Giving doesn't always take the same form: there's time, concern, a listening ear, a favor, a gift, a thoughtful card, a timely text, some great advice, a favorite food...you get the idea. People give in different ways. But they DO give!

For the friendships that seem extremely unbalanced, where you're doing most of the giving and they're doing most of the taking, well, you don't want to settle for an epitaph on your gravestone that reads: "NOW Who Are We Going To Get To Celebrate Us, Give Us Gifts & Listen To Our Long Tales of Woe?"

It's time to consider some options:

1. Have a cleansing conversation to give them a chance to up their friendship game.

2. Cut back the amount of your giving to something more in line with what you're getting.

3. De-emphasize the friendship, demoting it to 'someone I see once in a while.'

The best gift you can give to yourself is to seek out balanced friendships so you're valued for who you ARE, not what you can give.

They Reject Me At "Hi."

Okay this is a weird one but I'm not even saying hi because that's my problem. I admit I have bad social skills. So I'm not great at small talk. But lately it seems like people start rejecting me as soon as I say "Hi." I mean, crazy, right? I feel like the sound of me saying something is triggering an avoidance response in people. It's like I immediately hit them with the awkward hammer as soon as I open my mouth. This isn't all in my head, right? What gives?

Tall, Dark and Awkward

Dear TD&A,

It's tough dealing with rejection before you can barely even get a word out. But no, I don't think you're imagining things. Funny thing is I talk about this in my book (Change Your Vibe: How to Lifehack Your Way to Social Success), and spend a couple paragraphs on the word "Hi," and how it should be said in order to create a good reaction.

The point is that people CAN feel your whole demeanor from your tone of voice, so even that one word can tell them a LOT about you. So, am I saying you should change your tone? Yes, that's one thing you'll need to work on.

But the best thing to change is your MINDSET, and your ability to effectively communicate what's in your heart. For example, if you're feeling socially fearful, withdrawn, disengaged, bored, uncertain, panicky, or any other negative emotion, people will pick up on that even if you're trying to communicate the opposite. That's why I think TRUE change has to start in the heart, expand in the mind and then permeate your whole self. That's when you can bring a newly transformed "you" to the world, one social interaction at a time.

In other words, people can and do "feel your vibe," pretty much immediately, so that's the thing you need to work on changing.