I'm The "Useful" Friend...

Dear Patti,

Due to my nature I'm always the friend who is there for people and I remember to buy gifts for occasions, and sometimes "just because." I'm beginning to feel like I'm only valued as "the useful friend." I'm thoughtful and I like being a gift giver. It seems like I'm always celebrating the people in my life, but when it's my turn to be celebrated somehow everyone disappears. Of course my friends are happy to accept things, but I'm starting to wonder if they value the gifts more than they value me.

Only The Gift Giver

Dear Gift Giver,

Celebrating and gift giving are best done in the context of a mutual, equal relationship. Friendship itself should be based on that! If "offering things" to others is your main friendship quality, then I have to question the sense of balance.

People will generally accept the good stuff you throw at them, whether it be gifts, compliments, celebrations, money, offers of baby-sitting their kids or their pets...you name it. They'll accept. And the people who are TRUE friends of yours will reciprocate, maybe not in exactly the same way, but they'll make sure to shower you with SOMETHING. If they don't, then they're not true friends.

So, I'd back off. Way, WAY off. Start re-evaluating where these friendships stand. Maybe some are more balanced than you think. Giving doesn't always take the same form: there's time, concern, a listening ear, a favor, a gift, a thoughtful card, a timely text, some great advice, a favorite food...you get the idea. People give in different ways. But they DO give!

For the friendships that seem extremely unbalanced, where you're doing most of the giving and they're doing most of the taking, well, you don't want to settle for an epitaph on your gravestone that reads: "NOW Who Are We Going To Get To Celebrate Us, Give Us Gifts & Listen To Our Long Tales of Woe?"

It's time to consider some options:

1. Have a cleansing conversation to give them a chance to up their friendship game.

2. Cut back the amount of your giving to something more in line with what you're getting.

3. De-emphasize the friendship, demoting it to 'someone I see once in a while.'

The best gift you can give to yourself is to seek out balanced friendships so you're valued for who you ARE, not what you can give.

They Reject Me At "Hi."

Okay this is a weird one but I'm not even saying hi because that's my problem. I admit I have bad social skills. So I'm not great at small talk. But lately it seems like people start rejecting me as soon as I say "Hi." I mean, crazy, right? I feel like the sound of me saying something is triggering an avoidance response in people. It's like I immediately hit them with the awkward hammer as soon as I open my mouth. This isn't all in my head, right? What gives?

Tall, Dark and Awkward

Dear TD&A,

It's tough dealing with rejection before you can barely even get a word out. But no, I don't think you're imagining things. Funny thing is I talk about this in my book (Change Your Vibe: How to Lifehack Your Way to Social Success), and spend a couple paragraphs on the word "Hi," and how it should be said in order to create a good reaction.

The point is that people CAN feel your whole demeanor from your tone of voice, so even that one word can tell them a LOT about you. So, am I saying you should change your tone? Yes, that's one thing you'll need to work on.

But the best thing to change is your MINDSET, and your ability to effectively communicate what's in your heart. For example, if you're feeling socially fearful, withdrawn, disengaged, bored, uncertain, panicky, or any other negative emotion, people will pick up on that even if you're trying to communicate the opposite. That's why I think TRUE change has to start in the heart, expand in the mind and then permeate your whole self. That's when you can bring a newly transformed "you" to the world, one social interaction at a time.

In other words, people can and do "feel your vibe," pretty much immediately, so that's the thing you need to work on changing.

When You Feel Like You're Intruding

Hi Patti,

I have several good friends who are always the ones that initiate our interactions. I never make an effort. It isn't that I don't want to, it's just that I'm worried about intruding so I just let them do it. Then they sometimes don't include me in some of their plans and I feel awful. It makes me feel like a less important friend, even though I know it's mostly my own fault. I don't know how to get out of my head on this.

Sometimes Unwanted

Dear Sometimes,

Life is habit-forming. So, if you want different results, you need to form different habits. Start with rejecting the idea that you're "intruding." If they're initiating interactions, communications, events with you and treating you as a friend, then you're not intruding. If you bring something positive to the group, you're never intruding. It's not like you're scaling a wall, crossing a moat or breaking down a door to get to them. The barrier is really yours, and it consists simply of your mindset.

Realize that "intruding" is just a negative term that can actually be better described as "CONNECTING." That's a much more positive word! So make it a goal of yours to CONNECT more often. In order to be a valid goal you need to put a number on it. Make it a point to "reach out" and "connect" with these friends several times a week. Connecting can mean: making a phone call, sending a brief 'check in' text, inviting someone to something, meeting them in person, etc. Make yourself CONNECT at least three times per week.

Form better habits and obtain better results.